The Space Between Us Read online

  ‘So that’s it? We’re all just going to leave Dad?’ Daisy said, and her eyes filled.

  Lily tried to take her hand but she pulled it away. ‘You’ll still see him. You can visit and stay at weekends if you want. He’s still your dad.’

  ‘Are you going to move him in?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘The man with the stupid name.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘But you will at some point. After all, it is his house.’

  ‘No. He doesn’t live in Ireland. He’ll be going soon.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Soon.’

  ‘Do you love him?’

  Lily blushed and stammered. Of course she loved Clooney, but they weren’t going to be a couple – as much as she would have liked that. They were never meant to be anything more than they already were. He was my family first, Daisy. Daisy picked at her food. She was like her mother – when she was stressed or sad she found it hard to swallow. She had lost weight just as Lily had gained a little. Clooney had insisted on feeding her up and although she was still tiny her bones no longer stuck out. I’ll do the same for you when you’re home with me, Daisy.

  Tess was just happy that nothing really had to change. Daisy would still be going to the same secondary school with her and Lily was back in her life. She had missed her kindness and warmth. You’re so lucky, Daisy. Sometimes I close my eyes and I wish I was you.

  When Lily had paid the bill, she drove Tess home. Her mother appeared out of nowhere and practically ran to the car to get the gossip. ‘I heard,’ she said.

  ‘Everything’s fine,’ Lily said.

  ‘Tess was devastated and poor Daisy – are you all right, Daisy?’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘I hear you’re living with that designer, Eve Hayes. I can only imagine what the place is like.’

  ‘I’ll be moving into my own place soon,’ Lily said. ‘Tess will always be welcome.’

  ‘That’s good of you.’

  ‘I should go,’ Lily said. She put her foot down and left the woman standing on the street. ‘How many years have I dropped that child off and it’s the first time she’s ever bothered to come to speak to me?’

  A few minutes later she parked outside Declan’s house.

  ‘Are you coming in?’ Daisy said.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Fine,’ Daisy said, got out and tramped up the path.

  ‘Daisy!’

  She turned. ‘I love you and I will make it up to you.’

  ‘How can you?’

  ‘By being happy,’ Lily said.

  ‘At least someone is,’ Daisy said. She put the key in the door and closed it behind her.

  Adam arrived at Eve’s with a picnic basket. It was still early enough to eat outside. He insisted that they go down to the grounds and sit on a blanket on the grass looking out at the sea.

  When they got there, he helped Eve down on to the blanket and made her comfortable with cushions he took out of the car.

  ‘You think of everything,’ she said.

  He opened a bottle of wine but neither of them was in the mood for drinking. Instead they just gazed up at the darkening blue sky and started talking. Eve told him about Lily moving into the house and that Declan was letting go of the kids. He propped himself up on an elbow and gazed at her. ‘Doesn’t sound like him,’ he said.

  ‘No, it isn’t.’

  ‘Does his decision have anything to do with the medical records you had me pull the other day?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said.

  ‘Are you ever going to tell me what happened?’

  ‘Some day,’ she said.

  He leaned over and kissed her. They kissed for a long time, so long in fact that she was reminded of Ben, and of being a teenager when kissing was king and made the world spin faster. Adam made the world spin faster too, or maybe she was having a dizzy spell, she wasn’t quite sure.

  They talked about his job and how stressful it was. He was fascinated that she had retired and asked about her plans.

  ‘I have none.’

  ‘Are you scared?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘So you can just walk away from your life’s work and your whole identity?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘And you don’t miss it?’

  ‘Not one bit,’ she said. ‘I told you, I’m retired.’

  ‘You’ll get bored,’ he said.

  ‘Maybe,’ she said.

  ‘What about marriage?’

  ‘What about it?’

  ‘Is that something you want?’

  ‘Lily told me you don’t do marriage. Is that why you’re asking?’

  ‘Partly that and partly I just want to know what you think.’

  ‘I think it’s a nice day out but a piece of paper doesn’t guarantee anything, which makes it redundant.’

  He smiled. ‘Always so clear-headed.’

  ‘Some people see that as me being cold.’

  ‘I’m not one of them.’

  ‘Why are you so against marriage?’

  He lay down and faced the sky. He told her that when he was seven his father had left his mother for another woman. The woman had become pregnant and wanted to be married. Divorce wasn’t allowed so Adam’s father had sought an annulment. Although he had been married for seven years, had a seven-year-old son with his wife so there were no grounds, he was granted one on the basis that he had been coerced into marriage because of pregnancy. He went on to marry the other woman and they had four children. Adam’s mother had never really recovered. She hadn’t allowed herself to get close to another man and had died alone of a massive heart attack at the age of sixty.

  ‘Did you ever see him?’ Eve asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did you care?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have. It’s better to have no dad than a bad one.’

  ‘How would you know? I hear yours was the greatest dad in the world.’

  ‘It just doesn’t make sense to waste time on someone who doesn’t want you,’ she said, ‘especially when there are so many people who do.’ She grinned and he kissed her again. ‘When are we going to have sex?’

  He laughed. ‘When you’re feeling stronger.’

  ‘I feel strong now,’ she said.

  ‘OK, then, soon.’

  ‘You’re fobbing me off,’ she said.

  ‘No. I’m giving you some time.’

  ‘It’s time I don’t want.’

  ‘When is the wedding?’

  ‘Two weeks,’ she said.

  ‘OK,’ he said. ‘We’ll do it then.’

  ‘I haven’t even asked you to the wedding.’

  ‘But you’re going to.’

  ‘I’m not waiting two more weeks.’

  ‘Yes, you are.’

  ‘For God’s sake!’

  ‘You know, for an atheist you call out to God a lot.’

  ‘You should hear me in the sack.’

  ‘And Jesus Christ and –’

  ‘I say holy shit too, but it doesn’t mean I think there’s a blessed turd sitting at the right hand of the Lord.’

  He laughed. ‘Good point.’

  They lay together until it got chilly, when he helped her inside. As he was leaving she asked him if she was really going to have to wait another two weeks. He said yes, but he’d make it worth her while.

  ‘Well, you’d better be wearing bells!’ she shouted, as the lift doors closed.

  Eve was in bed when Clooney got home. Lily was sitting in the lounge area with her feet up, drinking a glass of wine and enjoying one of the many books from Eve’s library. She jumped up when he arrived, clearly glad to see him. He looked jaded and was quiet. She poured him a glass of wine and asked if he was hungry. He sat on one of the bar stools at the island and watched her fetch things from the fridge, then chop and cook. She made preparing a meal look so easy. She sat with him while he ate the most delicious pasta dish he had ever tasted.

  �
�You should have been a chef.’

  ‘I should have been a lot of things,’ she said.

  He lifted the fork to her mouth. She opened it, chewed and swallowed.

  ‘Did you eat today?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said.

  ‘Good.’

  ‘I was in the house,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Don’t thank me. I’m just happy you’re happy.’

  ‘I am,’ she said. ‘Declan isn’t fighting me for the kids. It’s so unlike him.’

  Clooney didn’t comment. Instead he insisted she take another bite of food.

  ‘How was Paris?’

  ‘Sad,’ he said.

  ‘Should I ask why?’

  ‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

  ‘OK.’

  They talked for a while after dinner, and when it was past midnight Lily made her way into Eve’s spare room. Clooney pulled out the sofa in Eve’s office. When he went to the hot press to get clean sheets and pillows, he stood briefly outside Lily’s room. He leaned on her door and wondered if she was awake or asleep, and if she wanted him like he wanted her. She opened the door and he fell forward. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked, as he righted himself.

  ‘I missed you,’ he said.

  ‘I missed you too.’

  She stood on tiptoe and kissed him. When her soft lips touched his, he melted into her, and after that there was no parting them. He lifted her on to his hips, carried her across the room and laid her gently on the bed. He found his place between her legs and was careful to make sure she was comfortable. When they touched there was heat and she wanted him like she’d never wanted anyone before. Later they lay together fizzing, relaxed yet mentally energized. She opened her heart. ‘I shouldn’t have pushed you away all those years ago,’ she said.

  He traced her chin with a finger. ‘You didn’t.’

  ‘I was so scared,’ she said.

  ‘I never understood that till now.’

  ‘I did love him.’

  ‘He needed you,’ he said. Lily had always yearned to be needed.

  ‘You didn’t,’ she said, eyes leaking.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘My fault. We are what we are.’

  He brushed away her tears and they lay together in one another’s arms. Even though she was still scared about her future and that of her kids, she was happy and she realized she hadn’t been happy in a really long time. I remember now, she thought, and Clooney asked her why she was smiling.

  ‘I’m happy. I’m actually happy.’

  ‘Good. I’m happy too.’

  ‘Where will you go to next?’

  ‘Let’s not talk about that now.’

  ‘Why not? You’re the man who leaves,’ she said, acknowledging that she had overheard him talking to Adam days before. ‘It’s OK. I’m not eighteen any more. The life I wanted I got and I didn’t like it.’

  ‘I’ve been offered a job in Peru.’

  ‘I’ve never been to Peru.’

  He grinned. ‘Are you thinking of coming to visit me?’

  ‘I might.’

  ‘I’d really like that,’ he said. He kissed her and they fell into a deep and peaceful sleep in each other’s arms.

  12. Where Croagh Patrick meets the shores of Clew Bay

  Thursday, 23 August 1990

  Lily,

  I don’t know what to say. Your letter finally arrived yesterday. It’s, as you say, been a long confusing few weeks. When the results came out and you didn’t write or call, Declan and I were really worried. Then Clooney told Danny you did so well and he told me and I told Declan and we really didn’t know what to think when we didn’t hear from you. Declan kept asking me why you weren’t in touch. I felt sorry for him. He was so sad and lonely and I couldn’t understand what was keeping you from us. Of course now I know. It was a shock. I knew you and Clooney were close but I never for a moment thought that you’d be together. I suppose that’s because I’m emotionally stunted, at least that’s probably what you and Clooney are saying. As far as I was concerned he was like your older brother. It was a shock. I think it was mean of you not to write and to leave me hanging. I was worried and thinking all sorts. By leaving me and Declan alone up here worrying about you, I felt like I was put in a spot and had to be there for him or something, I don’t know. It was all so frustrating. You just dumped us and I don’t want to talk about you and Clooney because it’s just stupid. How could you be so mean and stupid? You talk about love and what it means but when it comes down to it you’re as clueless as I am.

  Ben and I are over. We broke up last night. Paul’s parents were away so he held a party at his house and Ben brought Billy along and they were drunk because they’d played an afternoon gig and they’d been drinking since. Ben kept pestering me about London. He told me he didn’t want me to go and asked if I could find a college closer to home – he’d even done some research and gave me a list of places that are nowhere near as cool as St Martin’s and said that I’d have to apply for next year. It’s an argument we’ve been having on and off since the results came out. He thinks my results are good enough to get me into the National College of Art and Design, but I don’t want to go there, I want to go to St Martin’s in London. Last night he told me that if I wouldn’t apply to NCAD he’d leave his course and come to London with me. Just like that. He was drunk, and Billy was pissed off because he didn’t even consider the band, and he said he loved me and if I really loved him I’d stay or at least talk about him coming with me. It was so stupid. He was messy and argumentative and I was already on edge having just read your letter. He called me insensitive and cold and I said he was a stupid boy and I wasn’t willing to give up my dream to be with him after just one summer and he was a fool if he was willing to give up his band. Billy was on my side – he threw a beer at Ben and called him names. They got into a fight and I left and went inside.

  I met Declan on the stairs. He had a black eye. I asked him what happened and he burst into tears. He was drunk too. We were all drunk. I brought him into the bathroom and cleaned the cut over his eye. It was really deep and I told him he needed stitches but he said it would be fine. It had stopped bleeding but it was a hole in his face. He kept drinking from a bottle of vodka. I asked him how it happened and he said he was mugged. He wasn’t because his wallet was in his pocket but he wasn’t going to tell me so I didn’t push. We went into Paul’s room just to talk. Declan was devastated he hadn’t heard from you and I was feeling really guilty because I knew you were with my brother. We drank some more and bitched. I told him about Ben just to change the subject from you and suddenly he knew what was what and he put Ben and me down saying we were only a silly summer fling and Ben was an idiot and basically all the things that I’d said to Ben but hearing them from Declan really annoyed me. I told you I was drunk. He said that I’d forget about Ben because as much as I thought I loved him I hadn’t a clue what real love was. Of course he meant that he knew, which was annoying, bearing in mind he hadn’t heard from you in weeks and you were sleeping with my brother. I flipped. I told him. I said you were probably sleeping with Clooney as we spoke. He got very quiet and the second I said it I regretted it. I tried to talk to him and tell him it meant nothing and that Clooney was going away in September. He looked like I’d ripped his heart out. Even as drunk as I was, I could see the damage I’d done. I didn’t mean it, I was just too angry and frustrated, and he has a way of lording it over everyone like he knows best, and I just wanted to hurt him but not that much. He started to shake and to sob and I’d never heard sobs like that before. I sat beside him and hugged him and he hugged me back and cried on my shoulder and then he kissed me and I don’t know why but I kissed him back. I’ve been trying to work out why I did that all day but I can’t tell you why because I don’t know and I’m not going to blame being drunk because I knew what was happening. He started to take off my top and I let him and then I realized what we were doing and I tried to stop but he didn’t listen and he�
�s so strong. He pulled up my skirt and he was kissing me so that I couldn’t say stop it. I tried to hold him off but it was like I wasn’t even there and then we were actually having sex. That’s when Ben came in. He just looked at us and Declan stopped for a moment, then told him to close the door on his way out and I was just shocked. I couldn’t speak. I tried but I just couldn’t work out what was happening. Ben just ran and I wanted to go after him but I couldn’t move. He left the door open but Declan didn’t even notice – he just kept going and going, digging into me, and I can’t describe the pain. You probably think I deserved it, maybe I did. I couldn’t swallow, my ears were ringing and I kept thinking this was a bad dream. Afterwards Declan cried and cried and said that we did to you what you did to him but I didn’t want to do anything to you. He hugged me and thanked me for being there for him. I just sat there numb and I didn’t know what to say. I was angry at you, yes, of course I was angry, but I didn’t want to do that to you or Clooney or to Ben. I feel sick and today Billy came round and he was shouting, saying I had ruined Ben’s life. I reminded him that the last time I saw them they were fighting. He told me that I was a cold bitch and if I didn’t want to be with Ben I should have just said something as opposed to fucking the first guy who looked at me. I didn’t do that, I swear, Lily, I had no intention of having sex with Declan. I never wanted him and I wouldn’t do that to you. I don’t know what happened. I know you hate me by now. You don’t care that I’ve spent my whole day in hospital. When Billy stopped shouting he realized that I was bleeding. ‘Something is wrong,’ I said. He brought me to A&E. They are keeping me in. I’m writing to you from a temporary bed in A&E. You probably think I deserve that and maybe I do. Dad’s away on a junket so don’t worry, he won’t find out. I know I have a nerve asking you but please don’t tell Clooney. If I could take it back I wouldn’t have said anything. I was just so angry at you and Clooney and Ben and Declan and I know it’s no excuse. Billy said he’d post this for me. I told him it was important that it goes today because if I don’t send it today I never will and you deserve the truth. I want you to know I’m really sorry. I’ve never felt worse in my life. Ben is gone. He won’t talk to me and I don’t blame him. Billy has promised he won’t say a word about today, probably for Ben’s sake as much as mine or maybe more for his sake. He’s still really angry with me but he’s here and that’s something. I keep thinking, if it was the other way around would I forgive you, and the answer is I don’t know. I hope I would but I can’t say. Life is confusing at the best of times and I don’t know what I can say except that I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, Lily. I don’t know what my life would be like without you. I love you and miss you and you can marry my brother if you want.